A Letter to my Younger Self

Hello, hi, how’s things?

You probably don’t recognise me.

Yes, you’re covered in tattoos. I know, needles right? Nearly fainting having your bloods taken, but able to do a five-hour sitting of intense shading and colour, all whilst on your phone and reading. Weird right? I know, I’m not sure where it came from either.

You bought your first house at 18, with an actual boy, (ew). It was lovely though, and you’ve purchased another one since, and sold the first.

You’re engaged, you’re getting married. Actual marriage. Very soon, it’s a secret wedding, no one knows where, or when!

Oh yeah, you dropped out of college and didn’t go to uni. You are basically the only one that didn’t out of all of your friends. I’m sorry about that, but hear me out, kid.

***

 

College isn’t going to be easy. On top of being one big, massive trek every day, it’s just not easy. You’re going to fall out of love with the things you always loved. Your going to lose a lot of friends, all of your close ones. You will find it all a bit much, so you can’t stay there much longer.

 

Before you go, you get chosen to be on a Business Programme for young entrepreneurs. You end up on telly and it’s all a bit traumatising. You notice your double chin on the big screen before you listen to the content of what you’re actually talking about. It’s all a bit Deborah Meaden gone wrong, you think. You leave college before your first year is up, and you don’t look back.

Listen, I’m sorry, but your real father doesn’t really stick around. Did you really think he would? You’ve been calling your step dad, Dad, since you were young. You knew this would happen eventually. Your Dad is the most consistent man you’ve ever had in your life. And for that, he is your Dad, and always will be. More so than anyone else. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame your Mum! You will realise when you get a bit older. Ride it out.

 

 You will get a massive bout, of what you believe at the time, to be extremely bad luck. You will lose your Grandad. It’s scary, but your family is together.

He tells you, in his last days to do what you love. You remember that every single day afterwards.

Within what seems like no time afterwards, your Dad is diagnosed with Cancer.

But bloody hell, does he get through it or what. He’s now officially the strongest person you know, and you can’t help but tell everyone about him.

 

Okay, you have a car crash, but the actual logistics of the car crash are all a bit much. New Years Eve, 2017. You’re hit by a drunk driver, and she gets away with it, and people cover up for her. The girl that did it, brags about it. But you forgive her, even though she didn’t ask for your forgiveness, or confess. You realise you’ve got so much more to think about, and look forward to. You move on.

***

So, you learn to stick up for yourself a bit. You start to realise that you’re the only person talking up in situations. You can’t rest until you’ve said what needs to be said. You’re not rude, you’re honest.

It all started, when you’d just started at your first job, 2013-ish, on your first payday, you took your mum for coffee. Before this day, I don’t even think you’d ask for a refund within the 35 bloody day period, let alone anything else. You bought your mum a coffee, and it was off, majorly off.. so you got up and asked for a refund. What! You heard, you ask for your money back. Your mum makes a joke that those anti-depressants are most definitely, kicking in. Laughs and jokes, all round.

From there on, you become extremely headstrong. Don’t be mistaken, you were never fragile in the slightest, but you don’t allow yourself to be wronged anymore. You say when you believe things are incorrect. You stick up for yourself a lot, and you do yourself really proud. Even when you are in the minority, you stick to your guns.

You still cry though, a lot. You bloody love crying, kid. Your tears aren’t a weakness, though, and you tell everybody that sees you crying, that precisely.

You come across many-a-situation, where you feel singled out. You, at this point, as I write this now, have just overcome one. You keep your poise, and allow them to show their true colours. You say what you need to say, and you are strong enough to get yourself out of that situation. You realise the toxicity of a place, and you make your mind up, so you respect yourself enough to leave.

You are engaged, to the first person you ever loved. He proposed in Paris, Paris! (Don’t be fooled, he’s not that romantic, but you love him, nonetheless)

***

You’re actually okay with yourself. You don’t mind your wobbly bits. You don’t resent what you see in the mirror anymore. You have dyed your hair, more times than you’ve had bloody cooked dinners. Pink, Green, Red.. But I think you’re settled now, at Brunette. Very adventurous, Abbie.

You’ve found your outlet in writing, and you know it’s your life calling. You wrote a blog post that went viral about Victoria’s Secret, but that’s another story for another day. Don’t read the comments! Ever! (You do, but you soon move past them)

You meet some amazing people, you’re grateful for every one of them.

Everything in your life finds its place,

and you finally feel..

 

content. xx

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Nicola Adamson says:

    Beautiful and very wise words Abbie. Thoroughly enjoyed the read. What strength you have. A real inspiration. Sometimes we just have to take those leaps of faith and learn not to follow the crowd. What fun we can have along the way! Always dare to be different. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Natasha Dixon says:

    What an amazing young woman you are….with a heart of a lioness. Lovely words you made me laugh and cry , at the tender age of 42 I’m still trying to assert myself in life and adult. You are adulting the hell out of life , keep being you never waver. You are your mother’s daughter such a wise young lady you are beautiful inside and out. Thank you wearing your heart on your sleave and being honest. ❤👍🏾

    Liked by 1 person

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