I can’t quite comprehend just how my mind works.
I’m still trying to work it out to this day.
My depression, is a thick mucus inside my brain, that I’m just dying to scrape out from around it. It makes my head feel heavy, my eyes feel warm, and my mouth feel numb. It creeps up, and leaves, twice a week, twice a day or sometimes, twice an hour.
It keeps me up until 3am, and has me flat out asleep by 11.30am the next morning, after only being awake since 9am.
My depression tells me, that my day can’t start until I’m home from work, until my other half is home from work.. and even then, it cannot start.
My day can’t start until I’ve showered. Until I’ve washed my hair. Until I’m in my clothes.. in my pyjamas.. until I’m asleep.. I can start today again tomorrow, right?
My depression is a migraine. One that makes your eyes water, one that is as much physically debilitating, as it mentally.
My depression, hurts my joints, hurts my skin, grinds my teeth. It makes my body feel as though spiders are crawling all over me at 5am, just to make sure I’m fully awake.
My depression can come and stay, longer than an extended week away in your favourite holiday destination. It can stay as long as it would take you to drink a glass of wine.
My depression makes me weak, strong, limp, lifeless, hungry, thirsty, and ecstatic.
My depression can be 25 minutes of euphoria, followed by 45 minutes of madness, and 5 minutes of sadness.
It can ebb and flow, and write a blog post at 1 am about itself. It can also delete that post, and write it again. (Three bloody times, may I add).
My depression makes the muscles in my throat tight, so that sometimes, I can’t swallow, or breathe.
My depression makes me grateful to see the sunset, happy to see my favourite building, or overjoyed to see an animal. Sometimes, I realise that I can enjoy the small things in life because of it. I feel that I can appreciate the goodness.
My depression can take me to dark places, ones that I wouldn’t care to mention now, far beyond comprehension.
You’re not dying Abbie, so why should you be so sad?
You’re too young to be depressed.
But what have you actually got to be depressed about?
My depression feels like a life sentence. I like to ruin my chances at having a good day, my depression, ruins things on purpose, just to spite me. I re-live horrible pasts, bad memories, and nightmarish could-be’s, over, and over again. I demand people tell me my flaws. I hammer my flaws into people.
My depression could write you a list of 100 reasons why you shouldn’t like me.
My depression likes to make people think less of me. Why? To make myself feel worse. Shitty, I know, and I’m sorry to admit it but I think it needs to be said. Self harm can be many things, way beyond physical. It can be keeping yourself awake, forcing yourself to relive moments, looking for every negative in, and beyond belief.
My depression makes me happy. It makes me sad. It keeps me awake. It forces me to sleep all day.
My depression makes my day feel pointless. It makes my day seem worth it. And pointless, again. It runs by no rhythm, by no rule, and surely to God won’t go away just because you tell it to.
It can eat away at me, and leave me feeling alone. But it can also leave me alone itself for a day or two, and allow me to be happy again, just for a short while.
Make no assumptions, my depression does not make me a bad person. My depression makes me feel like a bad person, but one, I am not.
Make no assumptions, it doesn’t tattoo itself onto my forehead, to forewarn you that I have it inside of me.
Make no assumptions, some days I can get out of bed, because I have to. It can, and will lay dormant inside me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
Make no assumptions, my depression will not defeat me, and I don’t ever intend to let it. I understand it’s easier said than done, some days, I do feel defeated. That doesn’t mean it won’t defeat some people, because it could, and it has. But just know you have the ability inside you to do anything you put your mind to, you can overcome a lot, just with the powers that you have inside you.
It’s never going to be an easy ride,
but ride, you will.